What makes sex special for a man?
Bettina is keen to have men write about their most memorable experiences and try to tease out what it was that made them uniquely pleasurable. She'd like to have men write diaries, analyzing their lovemaking experiences, talking about what adds to and detracts from pleasure for them. Here's a man talking about two women in his life, contrasting the way lovemaking worked with the two of them.
I have only experienced true sexual satisfaction with one partner. T likes to be nude in front of me, and has a healthy level of acceptance of her own female body, and this allows for her to emotionally and literally to allow acceptance of my male body. She is no conventional pin-up model, but I like to look at her (bony ribs, floppy tits and all) and see real beauty. She can sustain, enjoy and repeatedly orgasm and relax with our vaginal intercourse in true expression of female sensuality. This would allow us to engage gently, passionately and melt into an elevated sexual state for 40-60 minutes at will, and while I would usually ejaculate, it would not matter if I did not. Any of many positions, any place, we can be quite adventurous. We would always end our fucks sweaty and in blissful satiety. Sex with T is an absolute gift for both of us. Our friendship is strong and we have interests in common. We are very fond of each other, with mutual respect and admiration, but we are separated by location and different life paths that occasionally touch. I get excited just thinking about her, and relish the times we get to share.
In another relationship, I had another partner who I love from the very depths of my soul (she made my heart sing), with whom I yearned to share the rest of life. At times in our 5 years together, A would have the same feelings. However, she could never entirely overcome past family trust issues with males, and maintained an emotional wall (of varying height) between us. I regard her as beautiful, but I suppose she is average by most people's estimation. She liked her own body and was often happy to be naked in front of my admiring gaze, but while liking it she could rarely be entirely relaxed with my body. Consequently she was limited in her sexual response to a brief 3-10 minute session that would require nipple stimulation, and conclude with her having a teenage-male pattern of a single orgasm followed by disinterest. She would never initiate sex, and (after the lusty but brief honeymoon period) would only consent to bonk me less than once a month according to planetary alignment of her hidden emotions. In intervening times, at least she would engage in wanking me and allowing me to play with her boobs a couple of times a week. She would respond extremely well to me playing with her boobs and massaging or rubbing my knob on her lovely big nipples, but overall I was still left frustrated with the lack of acceptance of my maleness in the form of sharing long slow fucks.. Knowing our potential, and still with the depths of enduring love, I was frustrated, heartbroken and left with no choice but to let her go. I still feel grief at our loss.
As well as having men contemplate past experiences in this way, to tease out the defining features of “great sex”, Bettina wants to use the diaries to track what makes lovemaking vary from day to day. She wants the men to write about this but also needs their partners to help track what contributes to the experiences. What is it that men feel they are missing in their lovemaking - Is it an active woman who shows them how to make love to her, a woman who is not ashamed of her body and lets him enjoy her nakedness? Here's one very sex-starved married man talking about what he yearns for:
"I want to hold a hot, live, beautiful woman in my hands again, to feel the hot breath of desire, I need to hear that slight gasp, to feel warm, tight, smooth skin slip under my fingers, I need to trace my finger tips along a line of cheek and lip, I need to feel the weight, shape and curve of arm, leg, thigh, tummy, shoulder, back, bum, the soft, tangled surf of pubic hair, heat and moist, push against me. I have had all this before, a long time ago, and I want it all again."
What gets in the way of great sex?
As well as looking at what works, Bettina wants to find out what detracts from the experience. Many men complain that they are expected to be mind-readers, making love to a woman with very little guidance as to what works best for her. Is lack of feedback a problem for you? What else is missing from your love-life?
Here's a man struggling to interpret his wife's reactions to his lovemaking:
"Sometimes I find it difficult to know the difference between a sound that means 'Ouch' and one that means 'Yesssss ... more!' It can be frustrating and it can lead to clumsiness on my part as I search to discover what works and what does not on any particular occasion."
Here's another talking about lack of intimacy and closeness after sex:
"I am also confused about the pacing and leading of the sexual dance. After our most successful lovemaking sessions, my wife then retreats and comes out with whatever her major issue is in our relationship (Why haven't you done the tax, what a bad investment decision this holiday package was, …) we are both conflict avoiders so I assume that she then feels comfortable enough to raise these issues. Should I be grateful to have my afterglow shattered? – Or is this a pre-emptive strike to stop me coming back for more? I feel like we always are back to square one instead of being able to grow the sexual part of our relationship."
How important is your partner's pleasure to you? Many men say this is far more important to them than their own pleasure.
"I finished about 5 minutes later and to my surprise Sally wanted more. This is unusual - and something I would never turn down so even though I had finished I gave her more clitoral stimulation with my fingers and she came again - twice ! - Hooray! This is about the best Christmas gift any man could receive. I just love her coming and the sounds she makes and everything about it."
If you would like more information about this new project or are willing to volunteer, contact Bettina.