Men with low desire
It seems to be far less common for a man to lose interest in sex than it is for his partner to end up with a low drive. Bettina is very keen to hear from men in this situation who will talk about why they feel they are responding this way. Here’s a man writing about this:
"I wonder a lot about this. I used to be the perpetually interested one. What was once utterly unthinkable appears to be my reality: sometimes I just couldn’t give a f--k anymore. For some strange reason, contrary to a history of this type of close and intimate communication with my wife, I find myself unwilling to raise this topic in recent times. It may have something to do with real conflict in my own head about not whether I want IT or not but that I both want IT and don’t want IT. I believe there is both a physical urge and a psychological resistance at work here."
He ponders at length the reasons for this, which appear to be related to his wife’s reluctance to ever openly ask for sex. He yearns for her to admit that she wants him:
"to just say she felt like sex and wanted me to do it to (or with) her. I would like to see her wanting sex the way I want her to want it (now there’s a selfish, unrealistic thought!). I would really like her to verbalise her sexual thoughts. Over the years I have tried to move toward that point but have been frustrated by her apparent difficulty in finding the words or willingness to share them. Tactile is OK but it’s so damned ambiguous. I don’t want to imbue her touch with my meaning, I want to know what she’s been thinking to want to touch me. I want to know how she wants sex. I want to be inside her head. It seems to me that I know pretty much all there is to know about her physically and that the ‘last frontier’ of intimacy is her thoughts. I want that level of intimacy. It’s what turns on my own thoughts and thereby my sexuality with her. If it’s absent and she’s not willing then I don’t want to force her but I do feel sad about it and my sexual feeling tends to diminish. I reflect from time to time that I just don’t feel sexual any more (or at least not as often). When I get depressed over other things, the sexuality issue just pops into my head as just another reason why I shouldn’t feel good about life. I just feel sexless. Amazing isn’t it? From sexy-to-busting-point all the way to sexless. A lifetime seems too short for such a transition."
Bettina is also very keen to hear from women partnered by these men, about what it feels like to be with a man who is not interested in sex.
If you would like more information about this new project or are willing to volunteer, contact Bettina.