Stop begging for sex

Just back from speaking on a P&O cruise – which was great fun. The only problem was they scheduled my talk on online dating at the same time as the big weekend rugby match. Not surprising that we lost most of the men but the largely female audience seemed to lap it up. It was interesting how many of the women reported that they knew someone who’d got married through meeting someone online – it’s certainly the norm these days.  I ran into a couple of women who said my advice had finally given them the courage to take the big leap, so that was encouraging.

My other talks on the Pacific Jewel were about my usual topics: mismatched desire and why sex means so much to men. This naturally led to some interesting conversations in all sorts of strange places, such in the long lunch queues. Feeding nearly 3,000 people is a mammoth operation!

As usual I was approached by many men looking for tips about how to get the green light from their women.  As it happens, I’ve been reading a book that might have some answers. The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 is written by a blogger called Athol Kay. His approach stems from the world of ‘game’ – which is all about teaching men to pick up women.  I’ve long been interested in game, having talked to some really good guys who report it enormously increased their confidence in dealing with women. Be warned, if you troll the internet reading about game, you’ll come across some pretty horrible, misogynistic stuff. The essence is really all about revenge of the nerds, teaching Beta males to acquire the Alpha traits that attract women so they can “hump and dump.”  Enough to make most women cringe.

But I do feel game is on to something important.  Nice guys do come last. Many women treat Beta males very badly, overlooking all their decent characteristics to chase after confident, successful men. What Kay has done has taken these principles into the domestic sphere, teaching men how to be sexy. For a start he tells married men to stop pleading for sex. Listen to this:

“You need to stop begging for sex because it actively turns off a woman’s sexual interest in you. Begging and pleading is a submissive display and frames her as the dominant one in the relationship. As most women respond sexually to male dominance, advertising the exact opposite is a turn-off.”

Make sense?  Although I don’t agree with some of Kay’s ideas (his knowledge of science is pretty wacky), I feel he’s on to something in encouraging men to stop thinking they can seduce their wives by being nice. His male action plan includes encouraging men to get fit so that they improve their ‘sex rank’ (a critical concept in game) and developing the right balance of Alpha and Beta traits that will add to their appeal. “Women sexually respond to dominant men,” he argues, giving very concrete examples of how men need to act confidently to keep their women guessing.

Athol has firm ideas about the problem with sexless marriages: “The spouse who denies sex is cheating the other out of their marriage agreement.” He’s right, of course, but it’s so rare that anyone dares run with that suggestion.

If you want to browse through some of these ideas, have a look at Athol Kay’s website.

I’d love to hear from men and women familiar with game who can tell me how it works for them – both in the single world and with couples. And tell me what you think of Athol Kay’s ideas as I’d like to write more about them.


8 Responses to Stop begging for sex

  1. Athol Lay March 22, 2013 at 2:02 am #

    Hiya, well personally I tihnk his ideas are wonderful! But then he’s me, so you get that.

    Let me know what the wacky bits of science were, always interested in improving things.

    All I can really stay is that my stuff works, and it works where people have tried everything else and failed first.

    Drop me a line and I’ll send you my new book when it’s finally done.


  2. SmartMonkey March 22, 2013 at 2:01 pm #

    I am not familiar with the game, but I agree with the principles espoused. Following my divorce at 35, I became single for the first time since 20. Through the dating process I came to realise that my natural easy going and confident personality and genuine approach from a position or respect and equality was great for building a personal connection, but when it came to the bedroom, women were looking for me to take on a different role and wanted a more assertive partner. It took a while to get into the swing of it, and some partners wanted even more assertiveness than I was prepared to give, but the experience was consistent.

  3. Helen April 21, 2014 at 7:26 pm #

    Are you people suggesting that men should not be nice and that they should rape their wives??

    • Bettina April 22, 2014 at 3:50 pm #

      Helen, you clearly haven’t read much that I have written. I am not suggesting men rape their wives! But rather, I agree with the idea discussed here that begging for sex doesn’t work – it usually annoys the recipient. And men being nice often doesn’t turn women on. Of course women are unlikely to be in the mood for sex if they are angry with their partners which is where the housework issue is relevant. Women who see their partners as being considerate and doing their fair share are more likely to consider being sexually generous. But that’s different from the man acting in a way that actually excites a woman and I think confident men are more sexy. So the man who has the confidence to tease a woman is more likely to ignite that spark. It’s a complex equation. Such a pity that people choose to think in terms of slogans rather than considering those complexities.

  4. Helen July 13, 2014 at 6:51 am #

    And what advice do you have for women in bad marriages that have to have sex to keep the peace? Throughout my marriage I rarely refused sex. The last 15 or so years of marriage I had completely lost my sex drive but still “just did it” to keep him from getting angry. I divorced him 2 years ago, but exited the marriage emotionally 20 years ago.

    • Bettina July 14, 2014 at 3:51 pm #

      The just-do-it idea was never about women suffering through unwanted sex just for the sake of their partners. Rather it was about women exploring whether sometimes desire kicks in once they get started, even though they may not feel like making love when first with their partners. That’s unlikely to happen if you are with someone who makes you miserable. You need a willingness to be receptive to pleasure which won’t be there if you are not in a loving relationship.

  5. Donald August 28, 2014 at 4:11 am #

    Your article is right on point. In addition, I had the experience of underperforming in our sexual activity because I almost always had to beg. Then I decided not to ask for 14 days. On the 15th day I realised I had gained a lot of mental stamina!
    Just by refusing to beg I somehow regained my sexual stamina ten times over. Begging, it seems to me, relays a message of underperformance to the woman and puts them off.

    Wonderful article.

  6. Michael November 9, 2014 at 12:00 am #

    If either party is seriously begging for sex it is nearly all over for that couple, if not already long ago I believe.

    Personally I believe rating sex on frequency is rubbish, after 30+ years of marriage we can go for it three times in a day and at other times not go beyond holding lovingly in bed for weeks. We can be seriously getting into it and something happens and we fall over in laughter and then sleep, we can be working in the kitchen and disappear into the laundry for a quickie, its all over the place, some planned that does happen, others planned that never make it. For us I am the most common instigator and when she instigates it is very nice but always the aim is to please the other, orgasms wise we’d be on par.

    I agree with Bettina, serious begging would be a killer for any fun to happen.
    If the begging is in jest and part of the playfulness, now that is very different.