Just back from speaking on a P&O cruise – which was great fun. The only problem was they scheduled my talk on online dating at the same time as the big weekend rugby match. Not surprising that we lost most of the men but the largely female audience seemed to lap it up. It was interesting how many of the women reported that they knew someone who’d got married through meeting someone online – it’s certainly the norm these days. I ran into a couple of women who said my advice had finally given them the courage to take the big leap, so that was encouraging.
My other talks on the Pacific Jewel were about my usual topics: mismatched desire and why sex means so much to men. This naturally led to some interesting conversations in all sorts of strange places, such in the long lunch queues. Feeding nearly 3,000 people is a mammoth operation!
As usual I was approached by many men looking for tips about how to get the green light from their women. As it happens, I’ve been reading a book that might have some answers. The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 is written by a blogger called Athol Kay. His approach stems from the world of ‘game’ – which is all about teaching men to pick up women. I’ve long been interested in game, having talked to some really good guys who report it enormously increased their confidence in dealing with women. Be warned, if you troll the internet reading about game, you’ll come across some pretty horrible, misogynistic stuff. The essence is really all about revenge of the nerds, teaching Beta males to acquire the Alpha traits that attract women so they can “hump and dump.” Enough to make most women cringe.
But I do feel game is on to something important. Nice guys do come last. Many women treat Beta males very badly, overlooking all their decent characteristics to chase after confident, successful men. What Kay has done has taken these principles into the domestic sphere, teaching men how to be sexy. For a start he tells married men to stop pleading for sex. Listen to this:
“You need to stop begging for sex because it actively turns off a woman’s sexual interest in you. Begging and pleading is a submissive display and frames her as the dominant one in the relationship. As most women respond sexually to male dominance, advertising the exact opposite is a turn-off.”
Make sense? Although I don’t agree with some of Kay’s ideas (his knowledge of science is pretty wacky), I feel he’s on to something in encouraging men to stop thinking they can seduce their wives by being nice. His male action plan includes encouraging men to get fit so that they improve their ‘sex rank’ (a critical concept in game) and developing the right balance of Alpha and Beta traits that will add to their appeal. “Women sexually respond to dominant men,” he argues, giving very concrete examples of how men need to act confidently to keep their women guessing.
Athol has firm ideas about the problem with sexless marriages: “The spouse who denies sex is cheating the other out of their marriage agreement.” He’s right, of course, but it’s so rare that anyone dares run with that suggestion.
If you want to browse through some of these ideas, have a look at Athol Kay’s website.
I’d love to hear from men and women familiar with game who can tell me how it works for them – both in the single world and with couples. And tell me what you think of Athol Kay’s ideas as I’d like to write more about them.